March Madness

It's March again, and NCAA Basketball is about to give us the three most vasectomy-filled weekends of the year. Sixty-five teams composed of "amateur" student-athletes (magically driving Hummers and Escalades) will make their way across the country and battle it out in four regions for the right to march into Indianapolis for the Final Four. The Washington Huskies, my local team, underachieved for most of the season but are on a hot streak lately, so I'll probably just bet my life savings on them. A few musical predictions:

Notorious B.I.G. - Mo Money Mo Problems

The media will neglect to mention that John Calipari, being paid $31.65 million over 8 years to coach #1 seed Kentucky, has previously guided TWO teams (UMass in 1995, Memphis in 2008) to the best records in school history and Final Four berths, only to promptly leave for greener pastures while entire seasons' worth of accomplishments and wins were stripped from each school and erased from the record books because of rules violations during his tenures. Dirtbags like this are all across college basketball, and yet somehow Calipari's dress shoes won't have a lick of mud on them come late March in Indianapolis.

Blackalicious - Passion

Players across the country will show their grit and determination, but none will display their passion as outwardly as #2 seed West Virginia coach Bob Huggins. Too bad he recruits bruising, physical players with troubled pasts and boasts some of the lowest graduation rates in NCAA history.

Spoon - The Underdog

Everyone loves the Cinderella story. Cornell will be the popular pick this year - after winning the Ivy League convincingly and shooting lights out from three point-range, their surprisingly low #12 seed almost begs you to pick them over #5 Temple. Watch out, though -  the Big Red may walk right into the teeth of Temple's stingy defense and get chewed up.

Public Enemy - He Got Game

Kentucky's John Wall is the latest freshman sensation to hit college basketball, and this is your one season to see him before he goes #1 overall in next year's NBA draft. The kid is a big, speedy talented point guard with excellent court vision. If his three-point shot starts falling again, so will opposing teams.

Dent May and His Magnificent Ukulele - College Town Boy

Evan Turner of #2 seed Ohio State has spent three years in college, a true rarity for a player of his talents. The nation's most complete player, he can do it all, from flashy breakaway dunks to game-winning buzzer beaters, making Ohio State mandatory viewing. His stock is soaring right beneath John Wall's, and with NBA salaries beckoning, I'd be shocked if he stayed a college town boy in Columbus and became that rarest of things, a four-year college basketball star.

Brother Ali - Champion

Kansas, led by Sherron Collins and Cole Aldrich, is just too talented. From size to scoring depth, they will bring the whole package and win it all. Love Brother Ali's opening line here: "I'm chokin players like I'm Bob Knight." What a gentleman's game, indeed.

David Barrett - One Shining Moment

When the final buzzer has sounded and the nets are being cut down, CBS will play the schlocky anthem "One Shining Moment" over the winning team's highlight reel. It will suck and be boring and be a terrible song that should be replaced by anything, anything at all, even Coldplay. Unless you are a fan of the winning team, in which case it might be the single most enjoyable musical experience of your life. Bastard.